VIDEO REPORTS: From The Onion:

THE PAPERCUT CREW

MONDOREB ------------------Raised by wolves, he was caught affixing 2000 Bush/Chaney stickers to cars in the SF area in 2004. After a stint in a re-education camp,and briefly shilling for a mime, he dropped out of sight. Now he's back. This is his story.
LITTLE BABY GINN--------------Out on the hard edge of life, she walks confidently: the 'click-clack-click-clack' of her stilletoes, her vivid scarlet lipstick and a half-smoked cigarette, her only companions. She writes because--well, no one is quite sure why. But write she does. This is her story.
LUSCIOUS P-------------------------Our crack War on Drugs & Lifestyles reportress. The P is for Peach, as in Ripe, Juicy Peach. And thankfully, she's P, not PC, or we'd all be in trouble. When she hands in an article, wisps of smoke come off the page.
RIDESAPALEHORSE----------Some whispered: he'd been a Ninja; others, that he was running from his past. A past that included one lively blonde and two dead bodies. We only know: when he walked in, he had a knife in his teeth and a fistful of Art.
HUGE SCROTUM MAN-------------(Scroticus Maximus) A natural optimist: life gave him huge testicles, so he has a ball. He brings the Java.